Do I have to have an opinion?

Opinions? I can do opinions. Really. (Though if you need someone for noncommittedness, or just plain apathy, I’m right here, raring to go.)

Mel Gibson’s Jesus Film (what do you mean, it has a real title?): I don’t want to see it because I don’t like gore. I couldn’t watch the last twenty minutes of Braveheart; I’m not going to pay to sit in a cinema and cover my eyes – and ears - for the whole film. Nor am I going to pay to get it out on video. Perhaps, one day when it turns up on telly I’ll watch a little bit, and switch over very quickly, but that’s it.

Kerry (the politician, not the county): Um, he’s a Democrat, right? And they’re the people who aren’t Bush? Then I’m pro-Kerry.

Rehearsal dinners: I’m not sure. Oops, that’s not an opinion, it’s a prevarication. My brother-in-law-to-be and his wife have offered to organize and host a dinner the night before the wedding, as their present to us. It’s very generous and all, and a lovely idea, but part of me wishes they’d just pick something off the list like everyone else. Several somethings, if they feel the need. Because no matter how much they say that all we’ll have to do is get dressed and show up, they don’t understand that taking my parents and elderly relatives to dinner is no mean feat. They’re basically old people, you know? There are bad legs and sensitive palates and ears that can detect the “thump-thump” of any music more modern than, say, Mozart at any volume above zero decibels. Getting them all to the wedding was as much as I could contemplate. And I was sort of looking forward to a quiet giggly night in with my bridesmaid, playing Boggle and experimenting with make-up, all clean-living and minimal (that means no pizza and wine and Pringles); a swan-song to my girlhood if you like. No doubt it won’t turn out like that either way, though.

The Oscars: Jennifer Garner's dress was fab. Julia Roberts looks washed out with blonde hair. Diane Keaton looked like Johnny Depp at the last awards. Charlize Theron's tan was a bad shade; the interesting thing was that her bloke was exactly the same colour. Joan Rivers is clearly on acid.

Today's opinions brought to you by Mel Gibson, John Kerry, Bridezilla, and Oscar.